Nesting and To Do List

This post is really more for me than anyone else since I was feeling the need to see what I've accomplished so far and make a to do list of what's left to get done. While Jon has been in Richmond the past few days I have been in full nesting mode. So far this weekend, I have done the following (in between shopping, eating Thanksgiving leftovers and lots of cuddling with Bizzy):

-Assembled a bouncy seat

-Put away  and organized the majority of my shower gifts

-Finished a craft that will be hung over the crib, on the accent wall

-Framed one of the prints I ordered from Etsy

-Washed and put away all the blankets, burp cloths, bobs, hooded towels and wash cloths

-Sorted all the baby clothes by size (and determined that I need a few more newborn sized items and a lot more 0-3 month sized items) and washed and put away all of the stuff my sister gave me, plus a few of the new things I've received (don't want to wash too much of the new stuff in case I end up needing to return or exchange anything for different sizes)

-Cleared out a drawer in the pantry to use for bibs, and other baby-related feeding items

-Cleared out a shelf in one of the kitchen cabinets to use for bottles

The nursery is done, for the most part. I really just need to do the following:

-Move in the glider, which should be in within the next week

-Get frames for my maternity photos, Etsy prints and the needle points done by my great aunt and hang everything

-Purchase a drum shade, add a little DIY pizzaz and attach it to the ceiling fan light fixture

-Purchase a floor lamp

-Purchase a book shelf

-Purchase a crib mattress

The frames, drum shade and floor lamp will all come from Ikea and I'm going to make Jon stop there on our way back from Richmond next weekend (he doesn't know this yet but I'm sure he will be thrilled since he just loves Ikea) so I will have all those items soon.  My goal was to have the nursery done by the beginning of December so I'm pretty much right on track.

Some other things we need to get done include:

-Put the stroller together

-Install the car seat bases in both our cars

-Pack our hospital bags (I'm thinking this will be done around 36w)

-Put the pack and play together 

It sounds like there's still a lot to do but if I keep nesting at this rate, I'll have it all done in no time!

Finally Feeling Thankful

33w with curly hair and no makeup - not one of my better weekly pics

It's nice to actually be able to enjoy Thanksgiving this year. Thanksgiving used to be one of my favorite holidays but the past two years I just really haven't felt like I had much to be thankful for.  After our first loss in September of 2011 I was feeling a little better by the holidays, but it was still pretty tough. Everyone kept telling me that the next year would be better but it actually ended up being even worse. Our second loss was in November of 2012 so I pretty much boycotted the holidays altogether. After two losses in one year there just didn't seem like there was much to be thankful for or joyful about.

Now, at 33 weeks pregnant with our rainbow baby boy, I am finally feeling thankful. I'm thankful for the healthy baby growing inside me and I'm thankful for my wonderful husband, family and friends for all their love and support that has helped get me through the past two years. It's been a very rough road, but I'm finally feeling like I've gotten back to a good place in my life and I know that the arrival of our baby will only make things better. Although, that's not to say that I don't wish our son and daughter could be here with us this holiday season.

~

We had an MFM appointment on Wednesday where we had an ultrasound, AFI and NST and everything looked great. They did a pretty thorough ultrasound (Baby Liles was being stubborn and covered his face the whole time so we weren't able to get any good pictures) and everything was measuring properly and fluid levels were good. The baby is currently head down (yay - let's hope he stays that way) and weighs approximately 4lbs 14oz and the ultrasound tech said it looks like he has a lot of hair! Next I had an NST where they put two monitors on my belly to monitor the baby's heart and movement. They were also able to monitor contractions and apparently I had a few while we were there but I didn't feel them. The nurse said the baby was very smart and he passed his test and I said he takes after his parents! We talked to the doctor about my OB's recommendation to induce at 39w and she didn't see any reason to do that so right now the plan is just to let me go into labor on my own and the only reason we would induce would be if I went past 40w. So things are continuing to look good!

Feeling Very Loved and Lucky

32w - This is a horrible picture. I was running on very little sleep and was mad at Jon because he had kept me up the night before

I have to apologize for the lateness of this blog entry - it's been a busy few days. I had to work late on Thursday at our annual open house and as soon as I got home we had to head right back out for our third pediatric consult. We really liked the practice. It's actually the same practice as the first consult we had that we really liked, just a different office. We still have one more consult and then we'll make our final decision but it's good to know we have two that we like equally so far.

On Friday I had an OB appointment. We saw a different doctor this time so I asked her why the other doctor would have said he thought I was likely to deliver around 38w and that I would be induced if I hadn't delivered by 39w and she didn't seem to agree with him at all. She seemed to think that since everything has been going well with the pregnancy and the baby appears to be healthy there would be no reason to induce. Although she did say the decision will ultimately be my MFM's and it will be dependent on my weekly Non Stress Test (NST) and Amniotic Fluid Index (AFI), which I start this Tuesday. That was reassuring since I would really prefer not to be induced, unless it's really necessary but it is a little frustrating how two doctors can have such different opinions.

On Saturday I had my first of two baby showers, hosted by my wonderful sister. There were so many cute little touches, from the whale cupcakes to the whale diaper cake and the mason

jar favors with the whale labels. It was the perfect baby shower and I really appreciate all the
hard work and love that she put into it. We got SO much stuff for the baby - he's definitely going to be one spoiled little boy! Initially, I was leery of even having a shower. I think the superstitious side of me was worried that by having a shower we'd jinx everything and something would go wrong with the pregnancy. But ultimately, I am really glad I decided to go for it. This baby deserves to be celebrated and quite frankly, after everything I've been through, I think I deserve a little celebrating too! I was overwhelmed by all the love and congratulations I received from everyone and it was so special to be able to celebrate the upcoming arrival of this baby with all my favorite ladies (a special thank you to my JMU girls who came from far and wide to surprise me - I miss you all already!). It was such a great day and I am really sad it had to end. Luckily, I still have my Richmond shower and more celebrating to look forward to in a few weeks!

Another Angelversary

One year ago today we said goodbye to our little girl.  It's hard to believe that it's been a year already.  After the loss of our son, the next year seemed to drag by so slowly and it took me so long to get pregnant again that it seemed like each month was just a constant reminder of our loss. After the loss of our daughter, I got pregnant again fairly quickly (6 months after the loss but only after 3 months of trying) which gave me a distraction from my sadness (although it created a whole new set of anxieties) and made the following year go by so much more quickly.  Sometimes I feel like maybe I "moved on" (I hate that term because you never really "move on" from the loss of a child) too fast and didn't give her the proper grieving that she deserved, not that I don't think about her every day.

Our two losses were so similar, yet very different.  With a gray area diagnosis, like our son's, there is so much guilt that comes along with the decision because you never really know what could have been.  But with a fatal diagnosis, like our daughter's, it's almost easier (again, a word I hate to use because there is nothing easy about the loss of a child) to make the decision, knowing that the outcome is set in stone.  I think our first loss was also so much more of a shock because we were naive and never thought it could happen to us.  But after going through something like that you have your guard up with each subsequent pregnancy and you know that being pregnant doesn't necessarily equal having a baby so you never really let yourself get too comfortable, or attached.  Nevertheless, both losses were incredibly and equally heartbreaking.

It's tough sometimes because as much as I know we will love this baby, I also know that he wouldn't even be here if it weren't for the loss of his brother and sister.  The past two years have been absolute hell but will it all have been worth it when our rainbow baby boy is safely in our arms?

~

I read a really good article in Still Standing Magazine recently and thought this would be an appropriate day to share.

Updates

31w with curly hair - explanation below

I feel like a lot has happened in the past week and I wanted to use this week's post to update everyone on what's been going on so please excuse me if this entry is all over the place.

Today I am 31w (!!), which technically means I am now in the single digits as far as weeks left in my pregnancy.  However, apparently I have been in the single digits for a few weeks now and just didn't know it until my OB appointment last week. We went in for my normal, bi-weekly appointment where we saw the doctor that I had switched to after my first pregnancy since I am currently rotating through all the doctors in the practice (There are 6 doctors in the practice, I started out seeing one who happened to be on maternity leave during our bad anatomy scan and all the events that followed so I switched to the doctor that helped us out at the time.  He was great, but when I got pregnant the second time I switched back to my original doctor so although he knew everything that's been going on with us, I hadn't seen him in a while).  When he came into the room he actually said that seeing me at 29w pregnant with a healthy baby made his day which I thought was so nice.  Anyways, he said that based on my history I will most likely deliver at 38w and that they wouldn't let me go past 39w.  I was so taken aback at the time that I really didn't think to ask any questions but now I am kind of confused.  I guess I can understand why he thinks I will probably deliver around 38w but I don't get why they would induce at 39w.  I have no problem with an induction if the baby's health is at risk and it's the only way to get him here safely, but if it's not a medical necessity I really would like to avoid an induction and let the baby come on his own, when he is ready.  I have another appointment next week so I will ask some questions then and see if I can get some more info.  Regardless, the fact that I probably have less time that I originally thought I had until the baby gets here is just causing more anxiety since it means I have less time to get everything done.
  
I did mention to the doctor that we hadn't had an ultrasound in quite a while so he got out their ultrasound machine and let us take a peak at the baby which was great.  He also wants me to start doing non-stress tests at 32w just to be safe, rather than waiting until 36w for my next ultrasound like I had originally been told would be the plan.  He's not concerned about there being a problem, I think he just wants to cover all our bases and do everything we can to ensure that this is finally our take home baby.  It's definitely nice to have a doctor who understands my anxiety and paranoia and doesn't just think I'm crazy.

The next issue of importance - the hair.  I think everyone knows that I have naturally curly hair and I hate it. I flat iron it religiously, every day but I was thinking about it the other day and I realized that once the baby is here I am not going to have the time or energy to straighten my hair so I should probably get used to wearing it curly.  I wore it curly to work today and I am feeling very out of my comfort zone, although I have gotten several compliments so I guess that makes me feel a little less hideous.  On top of that, my latest strange pregnancy symptom is that I seem to have developed carpel tunnel and my wrists have been killing me. Using a flat iron really aggravates it so I figured it wouldlnt be a bad idea to give my wrists a break today.

As I mentioned briefly last week, there was a little bit of a debacle with the nursery furniture that has now been straightened out, but it was touch and go for a minute there.  When we ordered the furniture (dresser with changing table topper, crib and crib conversion kit) from Pottery Barn Kids back in September the dresser and crib conversion kit were delivered fairly quickly but we were told the crib was on back order until October 13th.  Well, last week I realized it was well-past October 13th and we hadn't gotten the crib, nor had we heard anything from Pottery Barn so I decided to call customer service.  Imagine my surprise when I was told that the crib had been discontinued and their system didn't show they were going to be getting anymore in to fill the 12 (one of which was mine) outstanding orders.  The next day I called the Tyson's Corner store, which is where we purchased the furniture from, and spoke to a manager who said she was going to do some research and see what she could find out and would get back to me.  Of course I didn't hear anything back from her so I called her the following day, which was a Thursday and she said she wouldn't have anymore information until Monday.  When I called her again on Monday she said the person she was trying to get in touch with wasn't getting back to her and their system was showing that the crib was permanently out of stock so she basically advised me just to return the dresser and conversion kit (after offering two unhelpful solutions - a) I could get the crib in white.  Um, if I wanted the crib in white I would have ordered it in white in the first place. b) They had another style crib that came in the gray finish and she could give it to me at the same price as the crib we originally ordered but I didn't like that crib) since she really couldn't give me any idea of when or if the crib would come in and I wasn't willing to wait any longer.  I then proceeded to rip Pottery Barn Kids a new one, telling her how I thought it was awful customer service that no one ever contacted me to let me know the crib had been discontinued and that they didn't know when or if they would be able to fill my order and that I would never shop at Pottery Barn again and arranged to have everything picked up and a full refund issued.  Then yesterday I got a call from the general manager of the store telling me she would be happy to give me 20% off anything in the store, like that would make up for everything.  I told that I was done with Pottery Barn and no thanks.

Luckily, Restoration Hardware Baby had a similar collection which I ordered as soon as I got done telling Pottery Barn off and I got a phone call the following day to schedule delivery.  All of the items are in stock and will be delivered on Tuesday.  So, the crisis was averted but I was definitely dealing with some unnecessary stress for a little bit there thanks to the atrocious customer service of Pottery Barn.  Please don't ever shop there again and tell everyone you know to do the same.

Lastly, we had our child birth class this past Sunday.  It ended up not being as bad as I thought it would be.  I don't really feel that I learned any new information since I have already been through a delivery once before and I have also been doing a lot of reading about the subject but I think it was a good for Jon since he has not been doing the research that I have been doing. I got a little emotional when they showed a video about child birth but other than that, my anxiety level was much better than I had expected it to be.

Wow, that was quite the update!

The Return of Anxiety

30w - I feel like with each week not only does my belly get bigger, but I also look more and more tired

It's no secret that the first 20 or so weeks of my pregnancy were filled with a lot of anxiety. Once we got past the anatomy scan and found out that the baby was healthy I started to relax a little and around 22ish weeks I actually started to enjoy the pregnancy. It helped that I was also really busy at work getting ready for a conference so I had a good distraction from the anxiety and something else to focus on. Unfortunately, the anxiety seems to have returned in full force this week. 

I think the return of the anxiety has been caused by several things. With the conference behind me, things have slowed down substantially at work so I've been able to switch my focus back to the pregnancy and all the things I have to stress about. We're also having a big debacle with Pottery Barn at the moment and I'm not sure when, or even if, our crib is going to come in which is causing me to have major anxiety about finishing the nursery. But I'll save that story for next week when I should hopefully have some sort of resolution from Pottery Barn.

The main cause of my anxiety has been that as I'm getting further along in my pregnancy and closer and closer to my due date, I've been doing a lot of reading about labor and trying to come up with a birth plan and it's causing a lot of flashbacks to the labor and delivery of our first son. At the time, I was given drugs to help calm me down, but I still remember every moment of our time in the hospital and all the details of that very traumatic experience.  Not only have I been robbed of ever having a normal pregnancy, but I've also been robbed of ever having a normal labor and delivery and I hate that my first experience giving birth was such a traumatic one. I realize that even women who have normal pregnancies probably don't enjoy the actual birthing process but I think for most it's probably not as scary and emotional of an experience as it will be for me. We have our child birth class and hospital tour this weekend and even though we will be in a different hospital, I still anticipate that just being in a labor and delivery unit is going to be very difficult for me and will bring back a lot of memories and sadness.  It's hard to explain (as many of the emotions I've experienced throughout this pregnancy are) but I just know that the birth of this baby will probably be quite difficult for me on a much higher level than just the regular labor pains.

It's also just a tough time for me in general with our daughter's first angelversary coming up next week so that probably isn't helping the anxiety level. We got the diagnosis on November 10th and then said goodbye on the 15th so the following week will probably be extra emotional, on top of the regular pregnany emotional roller coaster that I experience on a daily basis. These anniversaries just never get any easier.

ANTMM

I was going to save this for my Thursday post but I just couldn't wait until then.

Over the weekend Jon and I went to Charlottesville to visit our friends Wendy and Travis and their adorable son Bryant.  Wendy was one of our roommates when we lived in our old house on 4th St S (where all the magic began) and Travis was there often enough that he was pretty much an honorary roommate.  We hadn't seen them in quite a while so it was really nice to catch up and reminisce about the good ole' days.  We had a good time pretending we were 23 again sitting around the fire pit in their backyard late into the night drinking bourbon (Jon and Travis) and stuffing our faces with s'mores (me).  I am pretty proud of myself for managing to stay up until midnight which is definitely the latest I've made it in a very long time.

In addition to being a super smarty pants (currently getting her PhD at UVA), Wendy also happens to be an amazing photographer so we had a little fun playing America's Next Top Maternity Model (ANTMM) around the UVA campus.  Even as a proud JMU alumni, I have no problem saying that UVA has such a beautiful campus (am I supposed to call it grounds or some other sort of fancy word?) and with the leaves changing colors it really was the perfect setting for our photo shoot.  Here is a little sneak peak for everyone.

In true ANTMM style we did a few outfit (which Jon was thrilled about) and scenery changes so there will be many more pictures to come. I haven't seen the rest but judging by these I just know they are all going to be awesome and I can't thank Wendy enough for capturing this special time for us.

29 Weeks

29w and sweaty

As promised, here is my 29w picture. It's not one of my better ones as I was off today (recuperating from the conference - slept for 12 hours last night!) and spent most of the day running errands and even though it's November 1st it was like 500 degrees and I am now hot all the time so I was sweating a lot. That was a really long sentence.