Another Angelversary

One year ago today we said goodbye to our little girl.  It's hard to believe that it's been a year already.  After the loss of our son, the next year seemed to drag by so slowly and it took me so long to get pregnant again that it seemed like each month was just a constant reminder of our loss. After the loss of our daughter, I got pregnant again fairly quickly (6 months after the loss but only after 3 months of trying) which gave me a distraction from my sadness (although it created a whole new set of anxieties) and made the following year go by so much more quickly.  Sometimes I feel like maybe I "moved on" (I hate that term because you never really "move on" from the loss of a child) too fast and didn't give her the proper grieving that she deserved, not that I don't think about her every day.

Our two losses were so similar, yet very different.  With a gray area diagnosis, like our son's, there is so much guilt that comes along with the decision because you never really know what could have been.  But with a fatal diagnosis, like our daughter's, it's almost easier (again, a word I hate to use because there is nothing easy about the loss of a child) to make the decision, knowing that the outcome is set in stone.  I think our first loss was also so much more of a shock because we were naive and never thought it could happen to us.  But after going through something like that you have your guard up with each subsequent pregnancy and you know that being pregnant doesn't necessarily equal having a baby so you never really let yourself get too comfortable, or attached.  Nevertheless, both losses were incredibly and equally heartbreaking.

It's tough sometimes because as much as I know we will love this baby, I also know that he wouldn't even be here if it weren't for the loss of his brother and sister.  The past two years have been absolute hell but will it all have been worth it when our rainbow baby boy is safely in our arms?

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I read a really good article in Still Standing Magazine recently and thought this would be an appropriate day to share.