The Return of Anxiety

30w - I feel like with each week not only does my belly get bigger, but I also look more and more tired

It's no secret that the first 20 or so weeks of my pregnancy were filled with a lot of anxiety. Once we got past the anatomy scan and found out that the baby was healthy I started to relax a little and around 22ish weeks I actually started to enjoy the pregnancy. It helped that I was also really busy at work getting ready for a conference so I had a good distraction from the anxiety and something else to focus on. Unfortunately, the anxiety seems to have returned in full force this week. 

I think the return of the anxiety has been caused by several things. With the conference behind me, things have slowed down substantially at work so I've been able to switch my focus back to the pregnancy and all the things I have to stress about. We're also having a big debacle with Pottery Barn at the moment and I'm not sure when, or even if, our crib is going to come in which is causing me to have major anxiety about finishing the nursery. But I'll save that story for next week when I should hopefully have some sort of resolution from Pottery Barn.

The main cause of my anxiety has been that as I'm getting further along in my pregnancy and closer and closer to my due date, I've been doing a lot of reading about labor and trying to come up with a birth plan and it's causing a lot of flashbacks to the labor and delivery of our first son. At the time, I was given drugs to help calm me down, but I still remember every moment of our time in the hospital and all the details of that very traumatic experience.  Not only have I been robbed of ever having a normal pregnancy, but I've also been robbed of ever having a normal labor and delivery and I hate that my first experience giving birth was such a traumatic one. I realize that even women who have normal pregnancies probably don't enjoy the actual birthing process but I think for most it's probably not as scary and emotional of an experience as it will be for me. We have our child birth class and hospital tour this weekend and even though we will be in a different hospital, I still anticipate that just being in a labor and delivery unit is going to be very difficult for me and will bring back a lot of memories and sadness.  It's hard to explain (as many of the emotions I've experienced throughout this pregnancy are) but I just know that the birth of this baby will probably be quite difficult for me on a much higher level than just the regular labor pains.

It's also just a tough time for me in general with our daughter's first angelversary coming up next week so that probably isn't helping the anxiety level. We got the diagnosis on November 10th and then said goodbye on the 15th so the following week will probably be extra emotional, on top of the regular pregnany emotional roller coaster that I experience on a daily basis. These anniversaries just never get any easier.