Halfway There

20 Weeks - Jon decided Bizzy needed to be in this week's belly pic (not a great picture of me but Bizzy looks super cute, as always)

Yesterday I hit 20 weeks. It's hard to believe I'm halfway there. When I first found out I was pregnant it felt like 40 weeks was going to take an eternity. We were already 2 years into trying to have a baby at that point and the thought of having to wait another 9 months (well, 8 actually) to actually have a baby in my arms felt unbearable. And that was only if things went well with the pregnancy. If things didn't work out again, who knew how long it could possibly be until we had a baby. 

The first trimester went by painfully slow. I felt like we were just waiting in agony from test to test and ultrasound to ultrasound. It really wasn't until after the 15w growth scan that I really felt like things started to pick up a bit. A part of me thought I would never even make it this far and now here I am at 20 weeks - more pregnant than I have ever been with either of our last 2 pregnancies.

Yesterday I was thinking about how my due date is only 4 and a half months away, which doesn't seem like a long time at all - of course if the baby takes after me he will probably be early and if he takes after Jon, he will probably take his sweet time getting here. We've got a lot to do in just 4 and a half short months!

Prenatal Yoga Take 2 (And Other Updates)

This past Sunday I decided to give prenatal yoga another chance. I went to a new studio that recently opened just a few blocks from our house and I've been wanting to check it out so I figured a prenatal class was a good opportunity. At the beginning of class the instructor told me that it wasn't your typical prenatal yoga class and she was definitely right. The class kicked my ass, and I loved it. I stopped working out as soon as I found out I was pregnant because I was so paranoid about hurting the baby but it felt really good to get moving again. I had to suffer through introductions at the beginning of class yet again but other than that, it was great. The class was much more fast paced then the one I'd done the previous weekend and it was also a lot more intense - not as much laying around, breathing and rubbing our bellies. I was the only new person in the class, all the other girls seem to take the class regularly so it could be a good way to meet some other new mommas in the area (although it's no secret how I feel about regular preggos). They also offer a prenatal class on Thursday nights so I may try to start taking it two days a week if I can find the energy to drag myself back out of the house after getting home from work. I'm glad I decided to give it a second chance. I think it will be a really good way for me to get some exercise and relieve some anxiety. 

I started sharing my news with a few people at work this week. My plan was to personally tell everyone in my department but I just really feel uncomfortable telling people and kept chickening out so instead I just decided to take the plunge and wear a maternity shirt to work today and let the bump speak for itself. Of course then I was scared to leave my cubicle all day, which wasn't easy considering I'm pregnant and have to pee every 30 minutes (who are we kidding - I have to pee every 30 minutes even when I'm not pregnant). I'm sure some people noticed but no one said anything to me.

Tonight after dinner the baby was kicking up a storm so I made Jon put his hand on my stomach and he got to feel a few kicks. I have been feeling movements for a few weeks now but this was the first time Jon got to feel it so that was a pretty special moment for me (and I hope it was for Jon too). The baby seems to be more active in the evenings - he must be a night owl like his dad!

Coming Out

Now that we have successfully made it past the anatomy scan I guess it's time to come out with this pregnancy. I know most normal preggos can't wait to announce their pregnancies but for me, announcing makes me incredibly uncomfortable and anxious. If it were up to me, I wouldn't announce anything until the baby was actually born and safely in my arms but that's unfortunately not an option since I'm running out of shirts that hide my bump.

Announcing makes me uncomfortable for a few reasons:

-With our first pregnancy we announced at 12 weeks since that was supposedly the "safe zone" (another term that makes me cringe). We soon learned all too well that making it out of the first trimester doesn't guarantee safety in the least bit and were stuck having to untell everyone, which only made an already really tough situation even more upsetting. There were even people who came up to me months later who hadn't been filled in that wanted to know how the pregnancy was going, or even later on, how the baby was doing and that definitely stung. So what if we go ahead and tell everyone and then something goes wrong again? On the other hand, with our second pregnancy we were planning on waiting until after the anatomy scan to share the news and then we never even made it that far so most people don't know I was even pregnant a second time which in a way makes me feel like to most people our daughter didn't even exist and that is a pretty horrible feeling. 

-Most people do not know anything about the absolute hell we have been through to even get to this point so I can almost be sure of the reaction I will get when I do announce my pregnancy. People are going to want to oh and ah and jump up and down and no one is going to understand how difficult this pregnancy has been (and will likely continue to be) for me emotionally or why I'm not shouting it from the rooftops like a normal person would. And inevitably, I will get that dreaded question that I mentioned in one of my previous posts - is this your first?

-As someone who struggled with infertility for a year, I know just how bad a pregnancy announcement can hurt. You never really know who might be having a tough time getting pregnant or may have recently gone through a loss and I would hate for the news of my pregnancy to cause that kind of pain to anyone. 

My plan for coming out at work is to share the news personally with my department. They all know, for the most part, what we have been through the past two years and have been incredibly supportive so I feel like if I am going to announce to anyone, it should definitely be them. As far as everyone else at work, I figure I'll just start wearing maternity tops and people will notice on their own and spread the word for me. 

I have several close friends that I am actually excited to share the news with and will probably send out a few e-mails this week to let them know. But one thing is definitely for sure - there will be no announcing via Facebook until this baby is born. 

Bittersweet Good News

               Baby Liles at 19w                                                 Me at 19w

We had our anatomy scan today and everything looked great! All major organs are where they are supposed to be and are measuring appropriately, brain and spine looked good, heart rate was 169bpm and the heart looked perfect. The doctor was really pleased with how everything looked and so thrilled for us to finally be getting some good news. We're still going to do the fetal echo at 22w just to cover all our bases but as of right now, it looks like this may finally be our rainbow baby!

I should be elated, so why do I feel so sad? Don't get me wrong, I am so happy that our baby boy is healthy but it's just very bittersweet. The whole anatomy scan process has brought back a lot of memories and emotions from our first two pregnancies and it's hard to think about meeting our son without thinking about how we will never get to meet our first son or daughter. Why did we have to go through all of this to get to this point? Why does this baby get to be healthy but our others didn't?

Today I am 19 weeks so I am now moving into the part of this pregnancy that I never got to experience with our first son and that is hard. I have been feeling the baby move for the past few weeks now which is exciting but also sad because it's something I never got to feel with our first two. 

I feel like now that we have got such good news I am expected to almost flip a switch and start to have a happy, normal pregnancy but I just can't do that. I was robbed of the ability to ever have a normal pregnancy and that is something that I still really struggle with. And that's not to say that I won't start allowing myself to buy things for the baby, decorate a nursery, sign up for birthing classes, look at daycare, etc. because I will and I am very excited to do those things but I can't forget everything we have been through over the past 2 years and because of that I will continue to be somewhat guarded.

I am happy, I really am but right now i think I just need to let things sink in a bit before I am ready to really celebrate.

Pre-Anatomy Scan Anxiety

Tomorrow is the big day - the anatomy scan. I have been in Vegas for work the past few days which has been a good distraction but now that I'm home and the appointment is about 16 hours away, I am starting to freak out. I am trying to go into the appointment with a positive outlook since our 15 week scan went so well but that was 4 weeks ago and a lot can change in 4 weeks. 

There's also just a lot of anxiety around the appointment in general since we got the bad news with our first pregnancy at the anatomy scan. It's amazing how quickly your life can completely change. I can remember very vividly what I did in the days leading up to the anatomy scan with our first pregnancy - I went to Target, I made a lasagna for our neighbors who'd just had a baby and on the day of the scan I went to work completely on cloud 9 because that was the day we were going to find out if we were having a boy or a girl. At the time, that's all an anatomy scan was to me - an opportunity to find out what you were having. I had know idea it was much more than just a "gender scan" (I absolutely HATE it when people call it that). 

The appointment started out so well. I can remember our excitement when the ultrasound tech told us we were having a boy. I also can remember how quickly the tech's disposition changed and the agonizing wait while she went to get the radiologist to give us the results of the scan and then the radiologist coming into the room and telling us something was wrong with our baby's heart. Every detail of that appointment is forever etched in my mind and the pain and heartbreak we experienced that day and for the weeks and months following is something I will never be able to forget. I went into that appointment full of hope and excitement and came out a completely different person.

This upcoming appointment stirs up a lot of emotions and memories and I really just wish I could fast forward to tomorrow afternoon. 

Day of Hope and Prenatal Yoga

                                  

Today, August 19th, is the Day of Hope. This day was created to honor and remember our babies and children that left us too soon. It is a day of healing and a day of Hope. To read more about this special day, please visit the Day of Hope blog.

~

On a lighter note - I finally bit the bullet and took a prenatal yoga class this past Saturday. I've been talking about doing it for weeks now, but kept chickening out.  I practiced yoga regularly before I got pregnant, so it's not the yoga that I was afraid of, it was actually the thought of being in a room full of pregnant women that gave me anxiety. I know this is silly since I am now a pregnant women but I just feel like my experience with pregnancy is SO different than what "normal" pregnant people go through. I realize I don't know the stories of any of these other women and for all I know they could have dealt with previous losses too, but chances are more likely that they are all happy, naive preggos and that is just something I can't relate to. 

I figured I was finally getting to a place in my pregnancy where I am feeling comfortable with things and starting to get excited so this would be a good a time as any to finally take a class. I went to my regular yoga studio which is very tranquil (it is called Tranquil Space, after all) so that helped to calm me down and ease some of my anxieties. Then the instructor said she was going to start class with introductions and my anxiety quickly shot back up. I got really worried she was going to make us tell everyone if this was our first pregnancy and that is a question I dread having to answer. Do I answer truthfully that its my third pregnancy and then run the risk of being asked a follow up question about how old are my other children to which I would then have to awkwardly explain that I don't have any living children? Or do I lie and just say it is my first pregnancy and then have to deal with my own inner guilt of not recognizing our son and daughter? Luckily that was not something she asked us to include in our introductions but as I get closer to coming out in public with this pregnancy I know that's a question I am sure to get.

So we went through introductions and then we started the actual yoga. The classes I usually take are very fast paced but this one was very slow which will definitely take some getting used to. I was a little sore the next day though which is always a sign of a good work out and considering I pretty much stopped all physical activity once I found out I was pregnant, I think this class will be a good way for me to get moving again. The instructor seemed to be very into natural child birth which is not something that interests me but I'm sure some of the breathing techniques will still be useful when it comes times for the actual delivery.

There is another yoga studio by us that also offers a weekend prenatal yoga class so I think I am going to try that one this weekend and see which one i like better and then my plan is to keep it up on a weekly basis.

Still Standing Article

There is an online magazine for bereaved parents and infertility called Still Standing that I discovered several months ago. All the articles are written by women who have experienced loss, infertility or both and the articles are so relatable that I am often moved to tears. Today I read an article that hit pretty close to home and I wanted to share -

Still Standing in the Background

Our Trip Across the Pond

Here is just a sampling of the close to 600 pictures I took

We just got back from London and we had such a great time.  Everyone had told me it was such an awesome city and I definitely wasn't disappointed.  We crammed so much into 4 days - I'm still recovering!  Here is a rundown of The Liles Take London:

Day 1

After traveling all night I was pretty exhausted but it was nothing a little power nap couldn't fix.  We decided to do one of the hop on, hop off bus tours so we could get the lay of the land.  We rode ALL over the city and got off at Kensington Palace which was kind of a let down.  We probably would have been better off not paying the admission fee and just wandering around the gardens but I wanted to see a palace and all the other options were outside of the city.  For dinner that evening we went to a pub near the hotel and had some tasty fish & chips.

Day 2

We went to Borrough's Market for breakfast (SO much amazing looking food, we wanted to eat everything - and I think Jon did) and then took a boat ride on the Thames to Westminster Abbey.  We didn't go into Westminster Abbey because the line was ridiculous but we hung out in front for a little bit and took some pictures while I reminisced about the royal wedding and Jon rolled his eyes at me.  Then we did a walking tour of the Parliament buildings, the Prime Minister's house, etc. and ended up in Trafalgar Square. From there we walked to Covent Garden and stopped in a pub for some more fish & chips.  After lunch we went to the British Museum and looked at all the Egyptian artifacts that the British have stolen.  There was a marina with several restaurants right by our hotel called St. Katharine's Docks so we walked over there for dinner and ate at an Italian restaurant called Strada (butternut squash risotto - yum).

Day 3

Luckily I had been given a tip by some coworkers that when we went to the Tower of London we needed to get there right when it opened.  So we got there about a half hour before it opened and were able to get in the front of the line (or queue as they call it in London) and then when they let us in we went straight for the Crown Jewel exhibit.  The jewels were amazing and ginormous.  By the time we got out the line to see the jewels was ridiculous so our timing was perfect.  We spent a few hours at the Tower of London and then took a little stroll over the Tower Bridge to the Shard, which is the tallest building in the EU (87 stories).  Jon wanted to go to the observation deck on the 82nd floor but after we saw the 30 pound admission fee we changed our minds.  So instead we took the tube to Piccadilly Circus and had some lunch.  After lunch we went to St. Paul's Cathedral.  For dinner that evening we went back to St. Katharine's Docks and ate at an Indian restaurant called Mala (butter chicken and garlic naan - yum).

Day 4

Our feet were hurting but it was our last day so we had to get in the last of our tourist attractions.  I had read online that rather than going to Buckingham Palace for the changing of the guard where it would be way to crowded to actually see anything, you should go to St. James's Palace where the guards assemble before marching over to Buckingham Palace.  So we did that and it was really cool (I got a really good video that you can see here).  Then we hung out in St. James Park for a little bit while we waited for the crowds at Buckingham Palace to die down.  As someone who is obsessed with the Royal Family, Buckingham Palace was definitely the highlight of my trip.  I probably could have stood there all day with my face pressed up against the gate but we still had some activities to cross off our itinerary so we headed over to the Victoria and Albert Museum.  Next it was time for Harrod's, which was pretty much a mad house.  We got some lunch at the food hall and brought it over to Hyde Park for a little picnic.  For our final dinner we went to St. Katharine's Docks yet again and ate at a place called The Living Room (ricotta gnocchi - yum).

Besides Buckingham Palace, one of my favorite parts of the trip was being able to wear maternity tops and flaunt my bump and not worry about who might see me.  I am still in hiding at work so it felt really good to not have to keep it a secret for a few days.  And I am convinced that my bump got me a free upgrade to a seat with extra legroom on the flight over which is even better.


I also decided to take the plunge and buy my first thing for the baby.  I thought royal baby souvenirs would be everywhere but they were actually impossible to find so the funny thing is, I ended up getting this at the GAP.

It was a whirlwind 4 days but we had such a good time and I'm really glad we got the opportunity to go, especially since if everything continues to go well with this pregnancy, this was probably the last of our extravagant, jet setting vacations for a good while.

Good News

Got a call from my OB's office today - AFP came back normal!!  And we breathe another huge sign of relief...

Royal Baby

On Thursday I will be heading across the pond to meet up with Jon in London. He has been at Oxford since last Saturday for his masters program and is having a great time reliving his freshman year of college. I guess it's a good thing he's getting it out of his system now since once his pregnant wife arrives there will be no more late nights spent in pubs.

I am so excited and I have all sorts of fun, touristy activities planned for us. My top priority, of course, is hanging out with William and Kate and the royal baby. There's so much to do there, I'm not quite sure how we're supposed to fit everything into 4 days. 

This baby is going to be really well traveled by the time he's born. He's already been to Richmond several times, Chicago, the Outer Banks, VA Beach and Orlando and a few days after we get back from London I have to go to Vegas for work. 

In other news...

I went into my OB's office for my AFP blood draw yesterday and should be getting those results back shortly. We have already ruled out anencephaly and most other major chromosomal problems but there are a few other NTDs that wouldn't have been able to be detected by ultrasound just yet that can be picked up by the AFP test so I am a little nervous about the results, although I'm trying to remain positive.

Apparently over the weekend I got ginormous. I was hoping to be able to hold off on buying maternity clothes until after my anatomy scan but I guess my growing bump had a different plan. I went to H&M on Saturday and got a few pairs of maternity jeans and stopped at Old Navy on my way home from work yesterday and got a really cute pair of pink maternity pants and a couple tops. I could definitely get used to this whole elastic-waisted pants thing and getting to buy a whole new wardrobe isn't too bad either.

16w4d (Please excuse the mess in the background, I was packing for London)

Baby Bump

I've felt like I was showing since the day I saw those two lines but I guess that was just bloat because I definitely popped over the weekend. I was hoping to be able to hide this pregnancy until after the anatomy scan (3 more weeks!) but this growing bump may make that difficult. I've invested in lots of loose, flowy shirts (thank you Loft 50% off sale) which has helped but I think I may need to break down and buy a few maternity tops this weekend. Although I have to admit, I am kind of excited to check out H&M's maternity line.

After our good NT scan I decided I wanted to start doing things that normal people get to enjoy during pregnancies so I had Jon start taking weekly belly pics. Here is the progression of the bump so far (side note, I do own more than 1 tank top, I've just been trying to wear the same thing for each picture so you can see the change from week to week) -

• 12w on the 4th of July
• 13w with a new haircut that I didn't really like
• 14w in the Outer Banks (decided that a tankini was in order this summer due to my growing bump)
• 15w with some awesome pregnancy acne
• Since Jon is in London I had to take my 16w picture in the mirror and apparently I'm not coordinated enough to hold the 16w sign and take a picture at the same time

As of my last OB appointment I'd only gained 1.5 lbs, but I lost 1.5 lbs in my first trimester so I was really right back where I started.  I'm curious to see what that number is at my next appointment, especially after the 10 piece chicken nugget meal I had for dinner last night and the Rocklands BBQ I had for dinner tonight...