Bittersweet Good News

               Baby Liles at 19w                                                 Me at 19w

We had our anatomy scan today and everything looked great! All major organs are where they are supposed to be and are measuring appropriately, brain and spine looked good, heart rate was 169bpm and the heart looked perfect. The doctor was really pleased with how everything looked and so thrilled for us to finally be getting some good news. We're still going to do the fetal echo at 22w just to cover all our bases but as of right now, it looks like this may finally be our rainbow baby!

I should be elated, so why do I feel so sad? Don't get me wrong, I am so happy that our baby boy is healthy but it's just very bittersweet. The whole anatomy scan process has brought back a lot of memories and emotions from our first two pregnancies and it's hard to think about meeting our son without thinking about how we will never get to meet our first son or daughter. Why did we have to go through all of this to get to this point? Why does this baby get to be healthy but our others didn't?

Today I am 19 weeks so I am now moving into the part of this pregnancy that I never got to experience with our first son and that is hard. I have been feeling the baby move for the past few weeks now which is exciting but also sad because it's something I never got to feel with our first two. 

I feel like now that we have got such good news I am expected to almost flip a switch and start to have a happy, normal pregnancy but I just can't do that. I was robbed of the ability to ever have a normal pregnancy and that is something that I still really struggle with. And that's not to say that I won't start allowing myself to buy things for the baby, decorate a nursery, sign up for birthing classes, look at daycare, etc. because I will and I am very excited to do those things but I can't forget everything we have been through over the past 2 years and because of that I will continue to be somewhat guarded.

I am happy, I really am but right now i think I just need to let things sink in a bit before I am ready to really celebrate.