A Few Pictures

Just wanted to share my 24w (actually 24w1d) belly pic -

And a picture of us from the wedding we went to this past weekend -

Remembering...

Angelversary

The necklace I wear every day so that my babies are always close to my heart

This is a tough week for me. Thursday will be our first son's second angelversary. On September 27, 2011 we said goodbye to our baby boy and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. In the past two years, there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about him and wonder what he would have been like if he were here with us today. I have a lot of regrets about the decision we made and that, unfortunately, is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life.

One of the (many) difficult aspects of prenatal loss is that people often don't associate it with losing a child since they never actually got to see or meet the baby - which makes it difficult for them to understand why this loss has had such a profound impact on our lives or why we haven't just "gotten over it" by now. But this baby was very much our son and losing him is something we will never "get over." I may have only carried him for 19 weeks, but the love we have for him will last forever. 

"Your absence has gone through me like thread through a needle. Everything I do is stitched with its color.” W.S. Merwin

23 Weeks and Daycare Stress

Growing Bump - Weeks 19 Through 23 (Today)

Nothing much to update at this point, I really just wanted to post my 23 week bump picture. I thought it would be fun to post the last few pictures because I feel like my bump has noticeable grown just within the past week. In fact, yesterday Jon told me "you've gotten a lot bigger over the last week." Um, thanks honey.

We went to look at three more daycares this week. We really liked two of them and the third was old and dirty. Of the two we liked, they are both in corporate office buildings so they offer priority to employees of those companies first, then they offer priority to federal employees and then they open up spots to commoners like us. So basically what that means is they both have ridiculous wait lists and we probably have no chance of getting into either. We did get on the wait list for the one that we liked better of the two and because it's a Bright Horizons we were able to select up to two other Bright Horizons locations and also get on the wait lists for those so it was like multiple wait lists for the price of one. We also got on the wait list for the place we looked at a few weeks ago that we liked and that one doesn't seem to be as long. It's a (non-refundable) $150 to get on a wait list so as much as we'd love to go crazy and get on every wait list possible in hopes that something would work out, we just can't afford to do that so we have to be somewhat choosey. We have an appointment at one other place in a few weeks and then I might start looking into nannies, at least as a temporary option until we can get into one of the daycare centers.

Next up will be pediatricians, which will hopefully be much less stressful.

Made it Over Another Hurdle

We had our fetal echo today and it went really well. A fetal echo is basically a really high level ultrasound of just the baby's heart (although the tech did try to get us some profile pictures of the baby once she'd got all the pictures of the heart she needed but he was laying face down and was being uncooperative - I think he must get his stubbornness from Bizzy). The scan took a good half hour and the tech got lots of pictures of the baby's heart from several different angles. They also check the blood flow and the heart rate (which was 162). The tech was silent for most of the scan which made me nervous since that has typically been a bad sign for us in the past but when she was done the doctor came in and said that structurally everything looked perfect and she had no concerns.

The doctor we saw today is actually a cardiologist who comes in every other week from Children's Hospital in DC specifically to do fetal echoes so we didn't even see our regular MFM. I am going to give her a call tomorrow and see what the next step is but I believe that now that we have successfully made it through the fetal echo we are no longer high risk and will be released from the MFM. So I guess this pregnancy can now almost be considered "normal"...

A Silver Lining

22 Weeks

It's been a while since I posted. Last week was kind of crazy. Work is so busy right now which is really annoying because it's kind of cutting into my baby planning time (much like it cut into my wedding planning time a few years back). I did manage to find some time, however, for baby preparation. We went to look at another daycare which neither of us were really thrilled with and we made our inaugural trip to Babies R Us and started our registry. Both of us were kind of overwhelmed with all of the stuff so we took care of some of the essentials in the store and then I came home and took care of most of the finishing touches online. It still needs some work but I'm pretty much done, for the most part. A big thanks to my sister for all her recommendations. I'm sure she's sick of me e-mailing her every two minutes with questions about onesie sizes and different types of pacifiers but without her advice I would probably still be wandering aimlessly around Babies R Us.

I also had lunch this weekend with my good friend Megan and her beautiful, 5 month old rainbow baby girl. Megan and I actually met online shortly after we said goodbye to our son. Feeling very alone, like there was no one who really understood what I was going through, I posted something on the Termination for Medical Reasons message board looking for other ladies in the DC area and Megan responded. Megan had just recently said goodbye to her second son and was also looking for someone who "got it." The first time we got together we met for coffee and ended up talking for hours (both of our husbands actually texted us at some point during the evening to make sure we were ok). We continued to meet up pretty regularly after that for dinners and shopping and quickly formed a friendship. With Megan there was (and still is) no getting hurt by someone saying the wrong thing because they just didn't get it, or frustration of struggling to find the words for how I was feeling because she completely understood what I was going through and felt exactly the same way - on every level. 

Megan and I both got pregnant again within about a month of each other and it was kind of comforting to have someone to go through the journey with who understood exactly just how terrifying of a journey it was. Sadly, that pregnancy ended in our second loss and I don't think I would have made it through that incredibly tough time without Megan's friendship, support and experience (I'm not sure Jon would have either, there were a few times he had to call her for advice when I was so hysterical that he didn't know what to do). For Megan though, her third time was the charm and she gave birth to her rainbow baby in April. Not only was I so incredibly happy for her, but seeing her happiness started to give me hope that we would one day have our rainbow baby too, and that was the first time in a while that I'd had any hope.

We may not have grown up together, or gone to college together and even though we have only known each other for two years we share a special connection and I know our friendship will bond us for life. Megan's friendship has been the silver lining in a very horrible few years and I am so grateful that we found each other.

On a final note, tomorrow is our fetal echo. Keep your fingers crossed for us. 

21 Weeks and Completely Overwhelmed!

21 Weeks Before our Anniversary Dinner (Modeling my new Target flats - I'm a little obsessed with them)

Now that we know the baby is healthy we've given ourselves the green light to go ahead and get started on all the essentials - starting a registry, decorating a nursery, touring daycare facilities and interviewing pediatrician. I guess one of the perks of being a normal, non-paranoid preggo is that you get to start all this fun stuff much earlier in your pregnancy because I'm not going to lie - I'm feeling completely overwhelmed! There's just so much to do before the baby gets here and as we get closer to my due date, the weeks just seem to be flying by.

We went to look at our first daycare option today and were both happy with the experience, although we really have nothing to compare it to at this point. We have an appointment at another place next week and need to schedule something with two others. The whole wait list process is really stressing me out. What if we find a place we really like but a spot doesn't open up by the time my maternity leave is over? Not to mention, the thought of leaving my baby with some random people kind of terrifies me (I have a hard enough time leaving Bizzy - thank god for the doggie cam!).

Next on the list of things stressing me out is the registry. Registering for a wedding is so much easier - you don't have to put much thought into plates, wine glasses, good processors, etc. But with a baby registry, everything requires research which involves looking at safety ratings and reading reviews. And for someone like me who is incredibly detail oriented and borderline OCD, the research can really drive you crazy. After everything we've been through I just want the best and safest items for our baby, which wouldn't be so difficult if there weren't so many different opinions of which are the best and safest items. I guess eventually I'm just going to have to make a decision as far as the big items (travel system, high chair, etc.) and then the little items will fall into place. I definitely see a trip to Babies R Us in our very near future (I know Jon will be thrilled).

I haven't even started looking at pediatricians yet. My OB gave us a list of recommendations so I guess I will just start there since I don't have any friends in Arlington with babies that I can get recommendations from. I'd like to think this process will be pretty easy, but you never know. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if there were wait lists for pediatricians too. 

The one thing I am excited about is the nursery. You know I love anything DIY home decor related so decorating a nursery is right up my alley. We are going to turn our guest room into the baby's room so I spent last weekend cleaning out the closet in there (maybe it's just me, but there are few things I find more satisfying than cleaning out a closet - is that weird?) and ended up with two big piles of stuff to get rid of - one for the trash and one for Goodwill. Next I'd like to get some sort of closet organization system installed and then get the room painted. I found a glider and ottoman at Buy Buy Baby that I'm in love with so I am going to order that within the next week and I also need to make a final decision on the furniture (I'm currently deciding between two sets). I've got a pretty good vision as far as the color scheme and all the decor but I'll save all that for another blog entry.

I know everything will get done one way or another, it's just a lot to think about. But I guess it's kind of nice to finally have normal people pregnant problems for once.

Four Year Anniversary

Our Wedding Day - September 5, 2009

Today is our fourth wedding anniversary. Four years ago today we were saying "I do" surrounded by our family and friends on a beautiful day. It was the perfect wedding. 

Now, four years later, when I think back to that day and how unbelievably happy we were it actually makes me really sad. We had no idea what lay ahead of us and I certainly never would have imagined that in just a few short years our lives would be turned completely upside down. You don't always get married, have a baby and live happily ever after - at least not in our case.  Sometimes, you get married, have a few years of wedded bliss, get pregnant only to have to make a heart breaking choice to say goodbye to your baby, struggle for a year to get pregnant again only to have to make another heart breaking choice to say goodbye to your second baby, then you finally get pregnant with a healthy baby and maybe then you finally get your happily ever after (albeit with an empty place in your heart for your son and daughter for the rest of your life).

We've been through more in our four years of marriage (well, really just the last two) than most people go through in a lifetime together. I'd like to say it brought us closer together, but there were many times where I think we both worried it was going to rip us apart.  I know i haven't been easy to deal with, especially on those days when i just couldn't stop crying or didn't want to get out of bed but as much as Jon may have been hurting too, he was always there to try and pull me out of that dark place.  I honestly don't know what I would have done without him these past two years and I only wish I could have been half as strong for him as he was for me.  

It sounds so cliche but i do feel that if we can make it through the loss of our two babies, we can make it through anything. Here's hoping this next year of marriage brings back some of that happiness that we felt on our wedding day.