Made it Over Another Hurdle

We had our fetal echo today and it went really well. A fetal echo is basically a really high level ultrasound of just the baby's heart (although the tech did try to get us some profile pictures of the baby once she'd got all the pictures of the heart she needed but he was laying face down and was being uncooperative - I think he must get his stubbornness from Bizzy). The scan took a good half hour and the tech got lots of pictures of the baby's heart from several different angles. They also check the blood flow and the heart rate (which was 162). The tech was silent for most of the scan which made me nervous since that has typically been a bad sign for us in the past but when she was done the doctor came in and said that structurally everything looked perfect and she had no concerns.

The doctor we saw today is actually a cardiologist who comes in every other week from Children's Hospital in DC specifically to do fetal echoes so we didn't even see our regular MFM. I am going to give her a call tomorrow and see what the next step is but I believe that now that we have successfully made it through the fetal echo we are no longer high risk and will be released from the MFM. So I guess this pregnancy can now almost be considered "normal"...

A Silver Lining

22 Weeks

It's been a while since I posted. Last week was kind of crazy. Work is so busy right now which is really annoying because it's kind of cutting into my baby planning time (much like it cut into my wedding planning time a few years back). I did manage to find some time, however, for baby preparation. We went to look at another daycare which neither of us were really thrilled with and we made our inaugural trip to Babies R Us and started our registry. Both of us were kind of overwhelmed with all of the stuff so we took care of some of the essentials in the store and then I came home and took care of most of the finishing touches online. It still needs some work but I'm pretty much done, for the most part. A big thanks to my sister for all her recommendations. I'm sure she's sick of me e-mailing her every two minutes with questions about onesie sizes and different types of pacifiers but without her advice I would probably still be wandering aimlessly around Babies R Us.

I also had lunch this weekend with my good friend Megan and her beautiful, 5 month old rainbow baby girl. Megan and I actually met online shortly after we said goodbye to our son. Feeling very alone, like there was no one who really understood what I was going through, I posted something on the Termination for Medical Reasons message board looking for other ladies in the DC area and Megan responded. Megan had just recently said goodbye to her second son and was also looking for someone who "got it." The first time we got together we met for coffee and ended up talking for hours (both of our husbands actually texted us at some point during the evening to make sure we were ok). We continued to meet up pretty regularly after that for dinners and shopping and quickly formed a friendship. With Megan there was (and still is) no getting hurt by someone saying the wrong thing because they just didn't get it, or frustration of struggling to find the words for how I was feeling because she completely understood what I was going through and felt exactly the same way - on every level. 

Megan and I both got pregnant again within about a month of each other and it was kind of comforting to have someone to go through the journey with who understood exactly just how terrifying of a journey it was. Sadly, that pregnancy ended in our second loss and I don't think I would have made it through that incredibly tough time without Megan's friendship, support and experience (I'm not sure Jon would have either, there were a few times he had to call her for advice when I was so hysterical that he didn't know what to do). For Megan though, her third time was the charm and she gave birth to her rainbow baby in April. Not only was I so incredibly happy for her, but seeing her happiness started to give me hope that we would one day have our rainbow baby too, and that was the first time in a while that I'd had any hope.

We may not have grown up together, or gone to college together and even though we have only known each other for two years we share a special connection and I know our friendship will bond us for life. Megan's friendship has been the silver lining in a very horrible few years and I am so grateful that we found each other.

On a final note, tomorrow is our fetal echo. Keep your fingers crossed for us. 

21 Weeks and Completely Overwhelmed!

21 Weeks Before our Anniversary Dinner (Modeling my new Target flats - I'm a little obsessed with them)

Now that we know the baby is healthy we've given ourselves the green light to go ahead and get started on all the essentials - starting a registry, decorating a nursery, touring daycare facilities and interviewing pediatrician. I guess one of the perks of being a normal, non-paranoid preggo is that you get to start all this fun stuff much earlier in your pregnancy because I'm not going to lie - I'm feeling completely overwhelmed! There's just so much to do before the baby gets here and as we get closer to my due date, the weeks just seem to be flying by.

We went to look at our first daycare option today and were both happy with the experience, although we really have nothing to compare it to at this point. We have an appointment at another place next week and need to schedule something with two others. The whole wait list process is really stressing me out. What if we find a place we really like but a spot doesn't open up by the time my maternity leave is over? Not to mention, the thought of leaving my baby with some random people kind of terrifies me (I have a hard enough time leaving Bizzy - thank god for the doggie cam!).

Next on the list of things stressing me out is the registry. Registering for a wedding is so much easier - you don't have to put much thought into plates, wine glasses, good processors, etc. But with a baby registry, everything requires research which involves looking at safety ratings and reading reviews. And for someone like me who is incredibly detail oriented and borderline OCD, the research can really drive you crazy. After everything we've been through I just want the best and safest items for our baby, which wouldn't be so difficult if there weren't so many different opinions of which are the best and safest items. I guess eventually I'm just going to have to make a decision as far as the big items (travel system, high chair, etc.) and then the little items will fall into place. I definitely see a trip to Babies R Us in our very near future (I know Jon will be thrilled).

I haven't even started looking at pediatricians yet. My OB gave us a list of recommendations so I guess I will just start there since I don't have any friends in Arlington with babies that I can get recommendations from. I'd like to think this process will be pretty easy, but you never know. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if there were wait lists for pediatricians too. 

The one thing I am excited about is the nursery. You know I love anything DIY home decor related so decorating a nursery is right up my alley. We are going to turn our guest room into the baby's room so I spent last weekend cleaning out the closet in there (maybe it's just me, but there are few things I find more satisfying than cleaning out a closet - is that weird?) and ended up with two big piles of stuff to get rid of - one for the trash and one for Goodwill. Next I'd like to get some sort of closet organization system installed and then get the room painted. I found a glider and ottoman at Buy Buy Baby that I'm in love with so I am going to order that within the next week and I also need to make a final decision on the furniture (I'm currently deciding between two sets). I've got a pretty good vision as far as the color scheme and all the decor but I'll save all that for another blog entry.

I know everything will get done one way or another, it's just a lot to think about. But I guess it's kind of nice to finally have normal people pregnant problems for once.

Four Year Anniversary

Our Wedding Day - September 5, 2009

Today is our fourth wedding anniversary. Four years ago today we were saying "I do" surrounded by our family and friends on a beautiful day. It was the perfect wedding. 

Now, four years later, when I think back to that day and how unbelievably happy we were it actually makes me really sad. We had no idea what lay ahead of us and I certainly never would have imagined that in just a few short years our lives would be turned completely upside down. You don't always get married, have a baby and live happily ever after - at least not in our case.  Sometimes, you get married, have a few years of wedded bliss, get pregnant only to have to make a heart breaking choice to say goodbye to your baby, struggle for a year to get pregnant again only to have to make another heart breaking choice to say goodbye to your second baby, then you finally get pregnant with a healthy baby and maybe then you finally get your happily ever after (albeit with an empty place in your heart for your son and daughter for the rest of your life).

We've been through more in our four years of marriage (well, really just the last two) than most people go through in a lifetime together. I'd like to say it brought us closer together, but there were many times where I think we both worried it was going to rip us apart.  I know i haven't been easy to deal with, especially on those days when i just couldn't stop crying or didn't want to get out of bed but as much as Jon may have been hurting too, he was always there to try and pull me out of that dark place.  I honestly don't know what I would have done without him these past two years and I only wish I could have been half as strong for him as he was for me.  

It sounds so cliche but i do feel that if we can make it through the loss of our two babies, we can make it through anything. Here's hoping this next year of marriage brings back some of that happiness that we felt on our wedding day. 

Halfway There

20 Weeks - Jon decided Bizzy needed to be in this week's belly pic (not a great picture of me but Bizzy looks super cute, as always)

Yesterday I hit 20 weeks. It's hard to believe I'm halfway there. When I first found out I was pregnant it felt like 40 weeks was going to take an eternity. We were already 2 years into trying to have a baby at that point and the thought of having to wait another 9 months (well, 8 actually) to actually have a baby in my arms felt unbearable. And that was only if things went well with the pregnancy. If things didn't work out again, who knew how long it could possibly be until we had a baby. 

The first trimester went by painfully slow. I felt like we were just waiting in agony from test to test and ultrasound to ultrasound. It really wasn't until after the 15w growth scan that I really felt like things started to pick up a bit. A part of me thought I would never even make it this far and now here I am at 20 weeks - more pregnant than I have ever been with either of our last 2 pregnancies.

Yesterday I was thinking about how my due date is only 4 and a half months away, which doesn't seem like a long time at all - of course if the baby takes after me he will probably be early and if he takes after Jon, he will probably take his sweet time getting here. We've got a lot to do in just 4 and a half short months!

Prenatal Yoga Take 2 (And Other Updates)

This past Sunday I decided to give prenatal yoga another chance. I went to a new studio that recently opened just a few blocks from our house and I've been wanting to check it out so I figured a prenatal class was a good opportunity. At the beginning of class the instructor told me that it wasn't your typical prenatal yoga class and she was definitely right. The class kicked my ass, and I loved it. I stopped working out as soon as I found out I was pregnant because I was so paranoid about hurting the baby but it felt really good to get moving again. I had to suffer through introductions at the beginning of class yet again but other than that, it was great. The class was much more fast paced then the one I'd done the previous weekend and it was also a lot more intense - not as much laying around, breathing and rubbing our bellies. I was the only new person in the class, all the other girls seem to take the class regularly so it could be a good way to meet some other new mommas in the area (although it's no secret how I feel about regular preggos). They also offer a prenatal class on Thursday nights so I may try to start taking it two days a week if I can find the energy to drag myself back out of the house after getting home from work. I'm glad I decided to give it a second chance. I think it will be a really good way for me to get some exercise and relieve some anxiety. 

I started sharing my news with a few people at work this week. My plan was to personally tell everyone in my department but I just really feel uncomfortable telling people and kept chickening out so instead I just decided to take the plunge and wear a maternity shirt to work today and let the bump speak for itself. Of course then I was scared to leave my cubicle all day, which wasn't easy considering I'm pregnant and have to pee every 30 minutes (who are we kidding - I have to pee every 30 minutes even when I'm not pregnant). I'm sure some people noticed but no one said anything to me.

Tonight after dinner the baby was kicking up a storm so I made Jon put his hand on my stomach and he got to feel a few kicks. I have been feeling movements for a few weeks now but this was the first time Jon got to feel it so that was a pretty special moment for me (and I hope it was for Jon too). The baby seems to be more active in the evenings - he must be a night owl like his dad!

Coming Out

Now that we have successfully made it past the anatomy scan I guess it's time to come out with this pregnancy. I know most normal preggos can't wait to announce their pregnancies but for me, announcing makes me incredibly uncomfortable and anxious. If it were up to me, I wouldn't announce anything until the baby was actually born and safely in my arms but that's unfortunately not an option since I'm running out of shirts that hide my bump.

Announcing makes me uncomfortable for a few reasons:

-With our first pregnancy we announced at 12 weeks since that was supposedly the "safe zone" (another term that makes me cringe). We soon learned all too well that making it out of the first trimester doesn't guarantee safety in the least bit and were stuck having to untell everyone, which only made an already really tough situation even more upsetting. There were even people who came up to me months later who hadn't been filled in that wanted to know how the pregnancy was going, or even later on, how the baby was doing and that definitely stung. So what if we go ahead and tell everyone and then something goes wrong again? On the other hand, with our second pregnancy we were planning on waiting until after the anatomy scan to share the news and then we never even made it that far so most people don't know I was even pregnant a second time which in a way makes me feel like to most people our daughter didn't even exist and that is a pretty horrible feeling. 

-Most people do not know anything about the absolute hell we have been through to even get to this point so I can almost be sure of the reaction I will get when I do announce my pregnancy. People are going to want to oh and ah and jump up and down and no one is going to understand how difficult this pregnancy has been (and will likely continue to be) for me emotionally or why I'm not shouting it from the rooftops like a normal person would. And inevitably, I will get that dreaded question that I mentioned in one of my previous posts - is this your first?

-As someone who struggled with infertility for a year, I know just how bad a pregnancy announcement can hurt. You never really know who might be having a tough time getting pregnant or may have recently gone through a loss and I would hate for the news of my pregnancy to cause that kind of pain to anyone. 

My plan for coming out at work is to share the news personally with my department. They all know, for the most part, what we have been through the past two years and have been incredibly supportive so I feel like if I am going to announce to anyone, it should definitely be them. As far as everyone else at work, I figure I'll just start wearing maternity tops and people will notice on their own and spread the word for me. 

I have several close friends that I am actually excited to share the news with and will probably send out a few e-mails this week to let them know. But one thing is definitely for sure - there will be no announcing via Facebook until this baby is born.